When Parents Split, Schools Feel It Too: The Hidden Impact on Children
By Sally Land
Relationship Expert
When a relationship breaks down, it doesn’t just affect what happens at home — it often shows up in the classroom too. In this piece, relationship expert Sally Land shares new findings from The Parents Promise on how parental conflict impacts children’s wellbeing and school life, and why many schools still don’t have the training or policies to properly support families through separation.
Sliding grades, increased absence, withdrawing from school and social life, behavioural problems and mental health challenges, teachers know all too well the high price paid by the children of parents going through a bad break up.
In fact a recent report launched at the Houses of Parliament by The Parents Promise found that 58% of teachers said that their school had become a source of, or location for, conflict.
Worryingly 61% have witnessed one parent trying to cut the other out of school communications.
And one in 5 teachers have seen parents attempt to block the other parent from collecting their child (although it’s important to note some parents will legitimately need to protect their children from the other parent for safety reasons including domestic abuse concerns).
More children than ever experience family break down and the latest estimates are that there are 3.8 million children living in separated homes in Great Britain.
How parents treat each other when they break up matters and has a huge impact on the wellbeing of their children.
Unfortunately, most schools are currently ill-equipped to help. The Parents Promise survey also found that:
- 89% of teachers have received no training on children’s needs during separation.
- Just 1 in 20 have been trained on the legal aspects around separation.
- Fewer than 4 in 10 schools have ANY separation policy.
- Only 8% have a nominated safeguarding lead for separation.
As the editor of the iconic Dear Deidre page I sadly read about these children who are utterly miserable on a daily basis.
From playground slanging matches to personal vendettas being aired at parents evenings, schools often become the focus of these relationship disputes.
The Parents Promise (theparentspromise.org.uk) launched the Separation and Schools Initiative which is aimed at anyone from parents, to teachers and schools. It has a wealth of helpful information, advice and policies.
The Parents Promise, co-founded by James Hayhurst and Melissa Davis, worked with several experts to create some brilliant resources to help anyone who cares about supporting children through separation.
Below is one letter (edited down) from a concerned grandfather, sent to me, which illustrates why we need to think harder about how we support children going through a family break up.
Dear Sally
How can I help my grandchild who is only 12 and suddenly having to care for his dad (my son)?
My son hasn’t coped with the discovery that his ex wife was having an affair. She left him a year ago and ever since he’s fallen apart.
Unfortunately my grandson knows all about his mum’s cheating and now feels responsible for his dad.
Last week I popped in on my son and found my grandson there. He’d taken the day off school because he was so worried his dad might ‘do something silly’.
Sadly my son and his ex now have a very unpleasant relationship and can’t talk in a civil way.
My grandson is reluctant to spend time with his mum – I think because he feels he can’t leave his dad.
She is now in a new relationship and my grandson seems angry and resentful whenever she is mentioned.
The school has been in touch with my son and his ex as his grades are in free fall. When he does go into school he’s often disruptive and gets very angry with staff and other pupils.
He always used to get on with everyone but now he’s like a bear with a sore head.
He shouldn’t be caring for his dad. He should be enjoying time with his friends and getting an education. What can I do to help?
If you want to find out more about the support available to separating families you can log on to theparentspromise.org.uk.
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