When Families Fall Out: What the Beckham Headlines Can Teach Us About Repair and Mediation

The Beckhams have been making headlines this past couple of weeks after their eldest son, Brooklyn Peltz Beckhma, shared a raw and very public post confirming he no longer wants a relationship with his parents, Sir David and Lady Victoria Beckham. And whilst the memes and the commentary have been everywhere, and showing no sign of slowing down, behind the celebrity names is a very real, very heartbreaking situation, and one that so many families quietly live through away from the spotlight. As child anxiety therapist Saskia Joss reminds us “All families go through different points of rupture. With children, one of the biggest is as they get older and start to rebel or push back. For parents, it can feel like a breakup – like your child has broken up with you – but that’s not actually what’s happening”.

The truth is that families fall out. Relationships get strained, People miscommunicate, feelings get hurt and sometimes it can feel like things escalate overnight – when really, it’s been building for a long time. And it’s worth holding onto this too: “Children are meant to separate from their families. They need to prove to themselves that they can survive in the world without their parents”. That doesn’t make the pain any smaller, but it can help us understand what might be happening beneath the surface.

So, with family mediation week taking place this week, we wanted to pause the noise and ask a more important question: How do families come back from something like this? And how do you stop it ever getting to that point in the first place? We asked our friends in the family law team at JMW Solicitors for some expert insight – and we also spoke to child anxiety therapist Saskia Joss for the emotional and relational side of what rupture can look like in real life.

Head of Family law – and mum of two- Elspeth Kinder talks us through what can genuinely help when emotions are high, what mediation actually looks like in real life, and what happens when families reach a point they don’t know how to move forward. “There’s something about children growing up that can make everything feel suddenly unfamiliar, “empty nest” syndrome can often be a catalyst for divorce.” As Saskia puts it “one of the most transformational moments is when they leave home, and suddenly get this new, slightly jarring perspective on their upbringing. Things that always felt normal can start to look…..not so normal” That outside the family bubble perspective can be confronting for everyone – and it can be the moment where issues that have sat quietly for years finally get named. And ruptures don’t just happen with children “They happen with partners too, at different points as life progresses” Saskia explains “There’s even a theory that relationships can feel shakier at the ages where something similar happened to us – old cycles, old wounds and old fears resurfacing.

So, what is family mediation and when can it help? Elspeth explains “The Family Mediation Council describes mediation as “a process where an independent, trained professional helps you and your ex make agreements about vital issues such as parenting arrangements, money and property” but for many families it is so much more than that. It’s an opportunity to have control over decisions, to engage in a flexible and confidential process and to move forward with their lives. Mediation tends to be used when relationships have broken down and can help resolve financial issues and help you decide on arrangements for your children. It typically involves you and your former partner sitting down together with the mediator, discussing the options that are available to you, and what might work best for your family. If you aren’t comfortable seeing the mediator together with your former partner, it is possible to see the mediator separately. Mediation can also take place online if that’s something you are more comfortable with.

Elspeth adds “Mediation works best when both people feel safe and able to speak openly without being dismissed. It is rarely appropriate in relationships with a history of abuse, coercive control etc. Speaking with a mediator beforehand can help you understand whether mediation is the right choice for you. If you are at a stage where your relationship hasn’t yet broken down and you are seeking support as a family unit, it may be that family therapy is the better option for you”

From a therapeutic perspective, Sakia says one of the most important steps is acknowledging what is happening “My feeling is that the main way through rupture is to speak about it – and get support”. That support might look like couples therapy, family therapy, family systems therapy – or depending on what’s driving the disconnections, a specialist such as a sex therapist or relational therapist. Sometimes, the shift begins with one honest sentence. “Don’t ignore the problem. Name it” Saskia says. “Say something like “I can see there’s been distance between us, and that isn’t what I want”. This kind of language matters because it expresses the impact without blaming, and it can open a door where defensiveness would normally slam it shut.

If you feel there isn’t a route back from the rupture there are still ways to separate harmoniously, with kindness towards one another and with your children at the heart of your decision-making Elspeth highlights “Mediation is regularly used to help separating couples make decisions about arrangements for their children. Depending on their age and ability to understand what is happening, children can be involved in the mediation process. Research has shown that consulting children about their views following a family separation helps their mental health. Mediation can be beneficial for children as it gives them a voice and a space to share their feelings without worrying about the conflict between their parents”.

This aligns with what Saskia sess in practice too, “when children feel unheard, distance grows. When they feel safe enough to speak – and when adults can listen without rebutting – repair becomes possible”.

What does the process actually look like?

Elspeth explains how mediation works in practice “Depending on the issues, it usually takes a few sessions of mediation to come to an agreement. At the first meeting mediator will listen to your situation, assess whether mediation is right for you and deal with practical issues such as fees. If you decide to proceed with mediation, in future sessions the mediator will listen, provide information and guidance, and ensure that both you and your former partner can speak and be heard. Once you reach an agreement, the mediator will put it in writing. The agreement isn’t legally binding so should be followed up by an application to court for a legally binding order. Most people instruct a solicitor for this stage of the process as it’s important that the order is properly drafted to reflect the agreement you have reached and that it deals with various legal points”

Elspeth adds, “Many of our clients instruct us to give them legal advice alongside the mediation process. They find it helpful to cross check their thoughts and to understand whether the solutions they are discussing in mediation, can be legally implemented and enforced. Some mediators will offer hybrid mediation where you are accompanied by lawyers during the mediation session so that you can get real time legal advice alongside your mediation”.

One of the most powerful reminders from Saskia is that repair is something you do “Invest, Date your partner. Spend time with your children. Sit with them while they’re gaming” she says. “Do the things that create connection – the moments where you can actually be together, talk together, and put the effort in”. And if there’s already been a break, she’s clear on what helps: “Listening, owning your part, being apologetic, explaining yourself and actively trying to relate differently”. Because sometimes the turning point is accountability, “Saying sorry and taking responsibility is massive” Saskia adds “even when the intent wasn’t to hurt, acknowledging the hurt can be the start of rebuilding trust”.

Elspeth shares her insight from her wealth of experience in this field “Ruptures are hard – the problems that families face are nuanced and varied. Seeking support from a therapist or mediator who understands your circumstances and can help you focus may help you find the positives.